Longing

Well, I decided that I wanted to start writing and opted to use my business website to host the blog because the site was already live and I wanted to offer the easiest path to success for myself (#lazy). What I didn’t bet on, was that my self-awareness and deepest thoughts would beg for release to the world and this was the avenue I chose to express it. Oy.

With the holidays behind us and business back in full swing, I feel like I’ve been shot out of a cannon. While it can also feel a little overwhelming, I’ve always found it is more helpful for me to be busy than bored (it helps with that self-imposed structure that I was talking about). Idle hands make for a LOT of couch time with my cat August: Osage County (yes, that’s really his name. He had it when I got him.) and watching too much true crime, or Marvel movies, or documentaries. Or Something’s Gotta Give on repeat. #NancyMeyers4Life

But amidst the feelings of “so much-ness,” I found myself wishing I could call my Noni and tell her all about the exciting and wild things that I’m doing in my life. My grandmother and I had a very close, and special, relationship. She was undoubtedly an incredibly difficult woman whose traumas and history severely affected how she moved through the world, but our bond was singular. Without fully diving into my witchy woo-woo-ness, I’ve always believed that I am my aunt reincarnated, so I knew Noni twice. (That was more like a cannonball into my witchy woo-woo-ness?)

I used to LOVE calling Noni when I was walking down the street. To meetings, from the office, headed to a show, stumbling home from an event, Noni always delighted in the stories I told her about my life in New York. At that late stage in her life when loneliness felt like her default setting, she adored my phone calls and I loved her company from 7 hours away. She would laugh and tell me how proud she was and thrilled that I was having so much fun.

Recently, I wanted nothing more than to call my Noni and tell her about all of the outrageous things that are happening in my life right now. My highest grossing month to date, the Broadway industry dance party that I started with a few friends and has turned into an actual side hustle, the creative idea that has turned into a reality in less than a year, and the incredible humans that populate my life.

I found myself sobbing in my apartment because the longing to speak with one of my favorite cheerleaders was so incredibly strong, and not an option in the way that I wished. When she passed away 5 1/2 years ago, it took me months to get used to not being able to talk to her on the way home from work every day. But I took my time with it and would put my headphones in and speak with her in a one-sided conversation, essentially giving her a monologue of what was happening in my world. So when that pang of my longing hit recently, I choose to “call” Noni and tell her about everything that is happening right now. Even though she already knows.

And I think (know) my therapist would be (is) really proud of me because my emotions are one of my biggest challenges - they are MASSIVE (this is for another post at another time) - and I leaned in. I felt into the icky place, which is a thing I hate to do. So, cheers to exploring the icky in 2020!