How do you feel when your expectations do not align with reality? It’s really hard, right? My partners andI have this expectation of our Broadway industry dance party, S.N.O.B., that each event will be different but fit inside a similar structure. We have a few early birds, then when the food hall next door closes, we take down the velvet ropes and begin to push the party into the whole space. By 10.30, the place is packed and the dance floor is grooving. We know what it looks like.

While our January edition was once again lit, the energy this time was really different than any of our previous events. At first, it didn’t really feel like S.N.O.B., but once my incredible DJ partners Duggz and Ari Grooves decided to play music for themselves rather than the room, we were back to feeling it! All it took was a reminder to release whatever the crowd thought of the music, and do it for the love (also the title of my favorite Michael Franti & Spearhead song - so good!).

Release is something that I’ve been working on for a while, but especially at the top of the New Year. We have so much social pressure for resolutions, but what I’ve been discovering is that letting go without attachment is the most powerful way to create space for that which is truly yours. I’m speaking from experience with someone who I had invested a lot into, which didn’t turn out the way I had expected (I’m looking at it like I bought a bad stock on the market. You don’t sell Nike if it crashes from $600 to $0.06, you hang tight and wait for it to turn around). At first, I was incredibly hurt by this person’s actions (remember the massive emotions?), but as time and space allowed me perspective, I realized that they weren’t who I thought they were. And that was ok! We had both grown in different ways, and those ways no longer aligned as they once had.

Once the realization set in that it was time to move on, I was unsure how to step into my power in this new version of the relationship. Ultimately, I chose to continue to show up and support around them. The feeling was fantastic! Knowing that I had to continue working on release, I am practicing it in as many aspects of my life as possible. Bad workout? Let it go. Weird interaction on the street? Bye. Not being able to afford to go to my dear friend’s wedding? Still working that one out…

The point is that when we release without attachment, we cannot fathom the beauty that can fill the space we’ve made available. I recently went to a breathwork session and this was the exact purpose - releasing the things that we do not need, and allowing us to hold the capacity for the new. It was a fabulous practice, and I can’t wait to see what else I let go of this year. Cheers to practicing release without attachment in 2020!

Do you ever feel like there are too many things to do, you don’t know where to start, your brain is fried, and you can’t keep your eyes open? It happens to all of us - we have a big project or a lot happening at home, or we’re working on a startup, or we’re juggling any other number of things in our lives and it feels like something will drop at any moment. I no longer experience the level that I once did, but overwhelm is something I’ve struggled with for a long time.

When I was working on a slew of Broadway plays several years ago (and just starting therapy), I felt like I was always behind because there was so much to do and not enough time to do it. Everything was urgent, priorities were nearly impossible to discern, and it was an overall high stakes situation. When I started to feel paralyzed by the feeling, my therapist had me hold all of the pillows in her office for as long as I could. Eventually, I dropped them.

What she said next has stayed with me all of these years. “Ok, you dropped the pillows. Pick them up and start again.” The beginning of that statement “ok” meant that I had permission to drop them. And those two short directions that follow have allowed me a better understanding of how to manage overwhelm when it happens in my life.

First, I take a beat and practice self-forgiveness for feeling the way that I do. I give my mind and body a chance to reset; my favorite tactics are a good, long sleep, a killer workout, or a hot shower. And then I take a look at the to-do list and prioritize things based on deadlines and timeframes. When I take the time to give myself a break and use the information that I have to make the decisions required, I can navigate the overwhelm by attacking it strategically. Cheers to forgiveness when dropping the pillows and picking them up again!

Well, I decided that I wanted to start writing and opted to use my business website to host the blog because the site was already live and I wanted to offer the easiest path to success for myself (#lazy). What I didn’t bet on, was that my self-awareness and deepest thoughts would beg for release to the world and this was the avenue I chose to express it. Oy.

With the holidays behind us and business back in full swing, I feel like I’ve been shot out of a cannon. While it can also feel a little overwhelming, I’ve always found it is more helpful for me to be busy than bored (it helps with that self-imposed structure that I was talking about). Idle hands make for a LOT of couch time with my cat August: Osage County (yes, that’s really his name. He had it when I got him.) and watching too much true crime, or Marvel movies, or documentaries. Or Something’s Gotta Give on repeat. #NancyMeyers4Life

But amidst the feelings of “so much-ness,” I found myself wishing I could call my Noni and tell her all about the exciting and wild things that I’m doing in my life. My grandmother and I had a very close, and special, relationship. She was undoubtedly an incredibly difficult woman whose traumas and history severely affected how she moved through the world, but our bond was singular. Without fully diving into my witchy woo-woo-ness, I’ve always believed that I am my aunt reincarnated, so I knew Noni twice. (That was more like a cannonball into my witchy woo-woo-ness?)

I used to LOVE calling Noni when I was walking down the street. To meetings, from the office, headed to a show, stumbling home from an event, Noni always delighted in the stories I told her about my life in New York. At that late stage in her life when loneliness felt like her default setting, she adored my phone calls and I loved her company from 7 hours away. She would laugh and tell me how proud she was and thrilled that I was having so much fun.

Recently, I wanted nothing more than to call my Noni and tell her about all of the outrageous things that are happening in my life right now. My highest grossing month to date, the Broadway industry dance party that I started with a few friends and has turned into an actual side hustle, the creative idea that has turned into a reality in less than a year, and the incredible humans that populate my life.

I found myself sobbing in my apartment because the longing to speak with one of my favorite cheerleaders was so incredibly strong, and not an option in the way that I wished. When she passed away 5 1/2 years ago, it took me months to get used to not being able to talk to her on the way home from work every day. But I took my time with it and would put my headphones in and speak with her in a one-sided conversation, essentially giving her a monologue of what was happening in my world. So when that pang of my longing hit recently, I choose to “call” Noni and tell her about everything that is happening right now. Even though she already knows.

And I think (know) my therapist would be (is) really proud of me because my emotions are one of my biggest challenges - they are MASSIVE (this is for another post at another time) - and I leaned in. I felt into the icky place, which is a thing I hate to do. So, cheers to exploring the icky in 2020!

There’s this thing that can happen when you have spent enough time in New York to consider yourself a New Yorker, the constant energy becomes exhausting and so you numb out a little bit to help you manage it (think any vice in excess: booze, drugs, sex, food, bingeing the latest show, games on your phone – the options are endless).  But that numbing sensation can begin to make you forget why you’re here in the first place.  It can become a go-to response to the “too much-ness” and the endless movement that this city thrives upon.

My 2020 vision is to replace my numbness with no-thingness.  The idea that in the space where no-thing exists, there is endless capacity for what can be created.  No-thingness offers endless opportunity, it allows freedom for creativity, feelings, pure potential.  There’s a phrase that I love from the astrology app Co-Star that says “There is a space between action and reaction.  In that expanse lies your power to choose a response.”

I am continually striving to better myself (thank you therapy!), and in 2020 the vision is to continue that practice through new methods (I’m taking suggestions.  What works for you?).  For now, one moment at a time, I will practice feeling into the no-thingness, allowing myself to stand in my power, and releasing the numbness.  Here’s to 2020!

This piece originally appeared on page 35 of the January 2020 issue of W42ST Magazine.

So, I’ve decided to create a weekly writing practice and publish on my website, because we can all do whatever the fuck we want on the internet these days. (But don’t fuck with cats!) I’ve always written for school, or work, but have struggled to create a practice of writing for myself, or the simple joy of getting things out of my brain and stored elsewhere. This year, I’m working to change that. Sometimes I’ll be writing from a prompt, sometimes it will be something that I need to get off of my chest, and sometimes it might be a quick little blurb about where I am in my life, my heart, my energy, my spirit, or my worldview. Ideally, I will keep to my Friday calendar schedule for this, but I am also allowing for the flexibility that I require to succeed. It is part of why I love working for myself so much! (I’d also LOVE to become a contributing writer to a few media outlets…)

Structure is something that was gifted to me by my parents, and I continued to thrive within those confines throughout my youth and adolescence. Then college hit, and all of the sudden the structure disappeared. I struggled with that for a while, even through moving to New York, auditioning, and finding my place in the business of Broadway and entertainment. Without making myself accountable to myself, I floundered while I discovered my way.

Eventually, I came to understand the importance of self-structure, which will look different for each of us. For me, lately, it includes four morning workouts each week (with strategically placed days to rest and recuperate in between), a consistent space outside of my apartment to call my office, and the flexibility and self-awareness to determine when these self-imposed rules aren’t suiting my needs.

While there are times that I miss the structures that have been placed upon me by exterior forces, ultimately my success and fulfillment come from creating the boundaries that work for me, and honoring them in a way that feels appropriate at any given time. When I’m moving through a challenging time (I don’t want to leave my apartment, I procrastinate on my to-do list, I’d rather be on the couch with my cat than at my computer), reassessing the structure, or lack thereof, allows me to step outside of the feeling of being stuck, and towards movement, flow, and invigoration.

I don’t yet know what the structure for this writing experiment will be, but the current iteration is a weekly blog post on Fridays that allows me to practice writing on a topic that intrigues me, or share an update about something that I’m excited about. Cheers to exploring self-structured writing in 2020!